Mr. Brightside

I feel really not myself. It's been a horrible week. One of the worse in recent history. Shayan abandoned me. Keaton abandoned me. Jordan lied and abandoned me. I really feel like I need to cry, but it's so ridiculous that I can't. I am hollow and full at the same time. It's like my emotions can't contain themselves. It's killing me. I feel like I am out of my mind. How did it get to this? I want and yet I don't. I'm reaching and yet I feel like just withdrawing.
Has your heart ever heart so much that it affects your brain, your mind? I'm a wreck. A complete wreck.
I need to look forward. To let go of the past. To have a fully enriched positive outlook. I need to relax and breathe again. Life goes on. I need to too. Everyone told me to stop. Why am I so stubborn? I need to stop looking for it. Just stop. Just stop having your heart hurt.
Pushing forward.  I didn't deserve the way any of them treated me. I am better than this. I am.

Bright Lights

As I sit here at my desk at work (light) on a friday afternoon, continuing contemplating my life. Bright lights by Matchbox 20 is playing and although I do not relate to all of the song, there are definitely lyrics in it that speaks to me. I finally hung out with Jordan yesterday and I feel like a weight is lifted. We may only be friends, but i'm okay with that. I'm just going to need time to get over him. But somehow, I think it has been made easier. It's okay, I have faith in time. Bright Lights might be referring to the change of life once you move to the city and the deception of the big city, but what I am seeing is
There's some things in this world
You just can't change
Somethings you can't see
Until it gets too late

Some things you don't need
Until they leave you
And they're things that you miss 

Normal cliche lyrics of course, but they speak and reflect everything in my life. Now I know that my friendship with shayan is not that healthy and I should really spend last time with him. I have to make sure no residue attachment remains. The way to do that is to truly move forward and put my faith in dating. I have a date with Jeff tonight so let me just concentrate on that. Enjoy life and make love with everyone. I should feel accomplished actually. I made two discoveries today that might change my project drastically, and in a great way. Who knows what doors this could open for my project. And I have several potential guys now: Migi, Jeff B., Jeff, Andrey, Ron, Keaton, Brian, and Jake. I am okay.

Fluorescent Adolescent

I must be slacking. 5 days since my last post. It would Jordan that would tip me over and make me want to post again though huh. After not seeing him for almost 3 weeks, I still really want to see him. I really want to hang out with him. Why am i think weak? I have no clue.
Nothing is as pretty as the past. I am holding to the most unhealthy obsession. I can't even let it go. I tried, but I am so weak. If I could, I would be drinking right now. God, I am listening to this song and it's the best description of me. How would the Arctic Monkeys know? That this is exactly the girl I have feared of becoming and have become. I am sad for me and the world today. Where did the old me go?

I am stuck at a crossroads of life. The guy I really liked has rejected me. All my exes are in serious relationships. My graduate project isn't going anywhere. I'm a gimp because of this stupid collar bone injury. I am damn near broke. I have no real friends here. My old friends have forgotten me. Everyone has moved on with their life and I am still stuck in the past. I am slowly falling into an abyss of depression. How far had we come from where we used to be Nat? And how did we get here?

We Used to be Friends

Perfect time for this song to come up. I am having a mad music crush on the Dandy Warhols lately. The title is ironic to me because I have been delving deeper and deeper into my depression. I found out that all 4 of my exes are in serious relationships now and me? No one, completely single and failing at being single. Actual I was failing when i was in a relationship too. Why do I feel like I need to be in a relationship to be happy. But what do I think when I am actually in one? Like the one I had with Shayan? How I could find someone better? Then I went too quickly with Jordan and then now I am getting antsy with Keaton? God I need to break out of my circle. Jason is so nice to me, but I know it'll never go anywhere so why am I dragging? Who knows. A long time ago, I used to have you as my boyfriend, but now I wish that I didnt think of you lately. Everyone needs time but I am always stuck in the past. I don't want to think of you lately but still I do.

Maybe what I should think of now is as all of them John, Greg, Shayan, Dave, Anthony, and even Jordan, just think of how and simply we used to be friends and now if ever again, a greeting I send to any of them,
Short and sweet is all I intend. Dave was right, i shouldn't have been friends with them on facebook, but that's okay, the bridge has been crossed. Now any interaction (except for shayan) is merely a hello. Time to move on, not just from one of them, but from all my past demons.  In a sense, I know I have moved on from Shayan, and it's a gut instinct inside where I know I'll never go back to them. The others not so quite so now I need to feed that mentality. As depressed as I am, I am strong. I will move on.

Natural Blues

I am severely depressed today. And as if fate would have it, the song that comes up is Natural Blues by Moby. It is by far the most perfect song that could have come up. I don't need to read the lyrics or anything. The song itself just has so much meaning for me, especially now. Finally after a week or so of posting, I finally got back the feeling I have when certain songs come up to me. I have troubles, a lot, not of faith in God, but in myself. I feel like I have lost myself. I lost myself in grad school, in friends, in relationships, in love and life. It's unhealthy for me to stay in touch with Jordan, but I can't pull myself away. I wake up each morning not wanting to start the day. i get to work and stare mindlessly at my screen hoping for the time to go home. I am stuck in a project that has no future. Everything is supposed to have a meaning right? A decision made has consequences right? God, am i that ungrateful? I lost my meaning. Thank God for this song to come up because it has seriously calmed me down, but what about after, what about tomorrow? How do I focus when I don't know where I am going?

Champagne Supernova

One of those songs that just comes on and you're like: this song people, this song. Oasis states that this song may possibly be about reincarnation. I hope that that is true because I do feel revived every time I hear this song. It is so much of a classic. It is epic. The guys of the band may be douches, but that doesn't mean they don't leave great songs.
What can i take from it? Right now I do feel like I'm stuck beneath a landslide with the situation with Jordan. I dream of having the chance to share with him instead of moving on. Why does he have so much of an effect on me? I thought I was a dreamer but when I wake up the dawn, I know she will have no answers for me. I am a very unhappy state of mind right now. i feel like I am fading into darkness. I feel like world is unreal and spinning. Is this the life without love? It hurts. I can't get him to love me and it hurts. Is this my champagne supernova, this explosion of darkness and no love.Where is the sun? Is it fading with the summer? As the music starts to fade... so does the sun set. We wake up to the dawn in the beginning, but all that is left at the end is the sound of a guitar strum.

I remember better days. i don't want this rejection. How do I get past this rejection? I am so unhealthy. pass me some champagne with a supernova in it. Maybe while i get high. Love me.

I Can't Wait

What a perfect song title to how I am feeling right now. The update on my life as of recent. Jordan texted me back yesterday saying that Danny and me should come over and play video games with him. I texted him back saying I wasn't sure when Danny was getting back but we should figure something out. Jordan calls me later that evening and I was preoccupied with something. Danny was too busy and tired to go so i called Jordan back and told him that we could do something else tonight or just wait until another night when Danny was coming. Jordan said that he had a friend on the other line whose aunt had just passed away and that he would call me back right after he finished talking. He did not. I've been on pins and needles the entire day. And I really want to call him, but i know ill lose my dignity if I do. I should be able to walk away but why can't I. It's about me, not him, but ME. Found my first white hair this morning too.
Although the white stripes song actually talks about a relationship breakup and what I am going through is just a dating situation, I still feel like it relates to me. I have no idea what to think of Jordan. Everyone is telling me to just be me. To forget him, and I have no idea why it is so difficult. I think I just should have and not text him back on Saturday.
But now I can walk away with dignity still. So just let it be that. I don't want to deal with him anymore. The situation has upsetted me quite a bit. And yes I can wait until I never see him again.

Better Together

This is a different version of Jack Johnson's famous song by buena vista sound. This song always reminds me of my first love and first true heartbreak, John. For the longest time after we broke up, he was the standard that I compared other guys too. This was over 3 years ago so I've been able to make peace since then. Still everytime I hear this song, one of my first thoughts is of him. He was the one who introduced me to this song. It would be fitting that I came across this song on a night that I am dealing and in a very difficult way with my personal life and with the men I want to get involved in it. I never heard back from Jordan. I really liked him, a whole lot. In some ways, I might have been getting into dating too soon, but I just thought he could be a really awesome guy to hang out with. And this was what  I told him too, nothing more. I know I was honest and direct and in some ways, I have no regrets. But I don't know if I scared him by telling him that I thought he was an awesome guy. I mean that was my simple and concise phrase. I really wished I could have gotten to know him better. Apparently he doesnt think the same. It would also be fitting that on this Aaron and Sterling both text me when I was waiting for Jordan's text and asked me that they hoped i wasn't playing games. It comes down to the fact that Jordan really wasn't that into me. What's worse is that in my disappointment, i tried to look to Shayan for comfort. it was absolutely wrong of me, and i shouldn't have done that. But I just feel really burned by Jordan. Besides being eager to see him, I don't think I did anything wrong.
And everyone keeps telling me that. But if he was such a great guy, why doesn't he want to get to know me better. I'm not saying we would be better together. I just wished he gave me the opportunity to know me better. It hurts pretty bad. Like real bad. I really feel like I have a horrible dating life. I feel like John was the beginning of whatever curse I had and it is still continuing. I am sick of it. But I have no idea what is wrong with me. Nothing I know. But then why this question (the perpetual question): why doesn't he call?

I'll Do Anything

As I sit here on a hot Saturday afternoon listening to a song by one of my favorite artists, I feel pretty light and happy about life. Jason Mraz always has the magic touch to lull me into a good mood, unless it's one of his more somber songs.

"I'll do anything" is a pretty remarkable love song. It's not cliche and whiny like a bunch of those other sappy rocker songs out there. And when I read the lyrics, it's most accurate to how I feel. Finally a song that captures my mood. I wish I could site these words to Jordan to show him this is pretty how much I feel. Just to say to him, "If you could be nimble, you'd have it simple just like me. So go on and try it, do not deny yourself your freedom."

I did just text him, after at first deciding to not communicate him anymore, then debating and deciding that it's whatever. He can be my friend or he can be more... just go with it. I am single and wanting to mingle and if he wants to, he could to. I hope his next choice will be his best choice and that it'll include me. I mean I like him and that's it. It' simple. We can go forth or stay still. We can be in the mood or just mingle. I hope my next choice will be my best choice too. I told him that if he wanted to chill, just to give him a call when he's free. And if he doesn't well... well it ain't not biggie. I'm offering my friendship, and like all things it is a limited time offer.

Movie Theme

So the first song since I started this song that I have never heard of. I've never been a big Beck fan so i guess that would be no surprise. Read the lyrics and on first glance... they make completely no sense to me. Beck would be offended I am sure. Maybe I don't get the song, but I didn't like it very much. Actually I ended up giving it a thumbs down at the end of the song. But I'll still try and see what I can nab from it. Are his verses implying that maybe these could all be possible movie themes? It might be a weird ass movie then. Maybe someone will read this and interpret the song for me. Beck has always been known for being weird though. Okay, let's give this a shot. First verse: he wants to die and go to heaven. Second verse: He is almost near death and he clenches his heart in anticipation. Third verses: Trying to find basic things in daily life to make him forget. Fourth verse: Someone is coming to stop him from killing himself (RIP DJ AM). Fifth verse: gluttony and greed and pride of the things in the world. He buys what he can. Sixth verse: looking at the oceans below and wondering whether to jump. Okay, maybe it's my interpretation but is he suicidal or something? Seventh verse: He is not afraid of death, but he knows suicide is wrong. Eighth verse: Music will save him. Deep.

Where is My Mind?

Where is my mind? Do you know where my mind is? First song thus far that i don't know very well. I read the lyrics to this song by the Pixies and I don't know if I fully understand it. Where is my mind? Because I have lost it? I think sincerely I might have. They said he was inspired to write this song while he was scuba diving in the carribean. Makes sense? But what is the deeper meaning. Found out that it was also used a bit in Fight Club, one of the best movies of all time.
So why did he write this song this way? Free-floating state of scuba diving? Where does you mind go when you enter the world of the ocean? Complete free-falling... let loose the mind. Free-falling of the mind can be the same right? Free-falling through a world of thoughts and emotions? So put your feet in the air and your head on the ground, do you know where your mind is?

The Hand that Feeds

So I've been thinking a lot today about that guy whom I went out a few dates with and then got burned. Although NIN's famous song refers to the refusal to submit to Bush, I can relate my dating relationship. I may complain about his lack of attention and his unwilling to try, but if given the opportunity, I would readily jump back. Any self-respect? I question it. Just like this. You complain, but will you bite the hand that feeds you? Or will you stay down on your knees? Am I brave enough to respect myself? I hope I am. He may be Mr. Ideal and may seemingly be great, but if he was then I would be hanging out with him right now right? I'm not, but still I am stuck on it. I am so naive and I keep holding on to what I want to believe. I can see, but I keep holding on and on and on and on. It will be the end of me.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Blogging has become semi-popular again thanks to that movie Julie and Julia that focused on blogging being therapeutic. In fact, it probably is. I already feel like this can be an awesome outlet.
I have to be better about randomizing to depressing songs. First Mad World and now Blvd. of broken dreams.
With this song, i think many people have had that feeling. I know through my darkest periods, this song rings true. A friend once told me that heartbreak, although painful, is not the worse human emotion. The worse human emotion is despair, losing faith and hope. That's what this song kind of sings to me. In a way, it is also a metaphor for all my broken relationships. Didn't we have dreams with every person we thought we were going to marry or end up together? Yet here I am still single and not too disappointed about it, but thinking... is being single the same as walking that boulevard. Of course I am alone and I'm also on a road of broken dreams right? I wonder what Billy's interpretation of walking on a blvd. of broken dreams was. They said he wrote it when he was in his son's bedroom. Despair of fatherhood?
Maybe he, like me, also wished that his shadow wasn't the only one that walked beside him. He wished that someone out there would find him.

Mad World

First song to start. Fitting that it would be Mad World by Gary Jules. My only recent memory of this song was when Glambert sang it on American Idol, wailing like a hyena. Then of course many of us know this song from Donnie Darko, a movie I never saw the whole way through. Don't crucify me please. Anyway I was looking at the lyrics. I always thought the song had a very sad melody, but never pay enough attention to listen to the lyrics. Only phrase I know is "all around me are familiar faces." Pretty sad huh. Listening to it again now, in some odd way I find it inspiring. I feel like I'm in a room with everyone going in slow motion and then in blur.
How many of us feel like we're stuck in this blur? This routine in the mad world? Are we invisible in this mad world? How many of us want to kill ourselves instead of living in the routine of the mad world? How many of us feel like we are going nowhere in this mad world? It is a mad world and when I step back from the madness, I can start to understand where this song is coming from and then I pause and take myself as an individual. The world is outside of me and although I perform the actions of children celebrating birthdays and going to school, i know I am not trapped in the mundane of the mad world. I am aware.

First Post

So the first blog: entry of intro. I decided to create this blog because I am going through my quarter life crisis. Yes it does exist and it lives with vehemence. Aside from the limbo of grad school, I’ve been in five relationships in the last six years. Got out of my most recent one over a month ago. Got back into dating but got burned pretty quickly and so for all the people out there who think blogging is therapeutic… this one is for you. Hopefully starting this blog will provide me with some self-therapy. Aside from staging a relationship intervention on my behalf, the other quality of life that calls out to me is the love of music. Now with the existence of Pandora (and the more awesome Pandora One), everyone can pretend to be a music connoisseur. I wanted to take it one step further. Besides introducing myself to new and old songs, I will truly attempt to connoisseur myself but studying a random song from Pandora and blogging about it and relating it to my life. Emo enough? Who knows if it can be done? Who knows if I am just full of shit. But here goes. For those interested, I will be using the station “Songs of my life” (fitting) in my profile in Pandora, which is natpham@ucdavis.edu. I will put my first goal at 100 songs.