Mr. Brightside

I feel really not myself. It's been a horrible week. One of the worse in recent history. Shayan abandoned me. Keaton abandoned me. Jordan lied and abandoned me. I really feel like I need to cry, but it's so ridiculous that I can't. I am hollow and full at the same time. It's like my emotions can't contain themselves. It's killing me. I feel like I am out of my mind. How did it get to this? I want and yet I don't. I'm reaching and yet I feel like just withdrawing.
Has your heart ever heart so much that it affects your brain, your mind? I'm a wreck. A complete wreck.
I need to look forward. To let go of the past. To have a fully enriched positive outlook. I need to relax and breathe again. Life goes on. I need to too. Everyone told me to stop. Why am I so stubborn? I need to stop looking for it. Just stop. Just stop having your heart hurt.
Pushing forward.  I didn't deserve the way any of them treated me. I am better than this. I am.

Bright Lights

As I sit here at my desk at work (light) on a friday afternoon, continuing contemplating my life. Bright lights by Matchbox 20 is playing and although I do not relate to all of the song, there are definitely lyrics in it that speaks to me. I finally hung out with Jordan yesterday and I feel like a weight is lifted. We may only be friends, but i'm okay with that. I'm just going to need time to get over him. But somehow, I think it has been made easier. It's okay, I have faith in time. Bright Lights might be referring to the change of life once you move to the city and the deception of the big city, but what I am seeing is
There's some things in this world
You just can't change
Somethings you can't see
Until it gets too late

Some things you don't need
Until they leave you
And they're things that you miss 

Normal cliche lyrics of course, but they speak and reflect everything in my life. Now I know that my friendship with shayan is not that healthy and I should really spend last time with him. I have to make sure no residue attachment remains. The way to do that is to truly move forward and put my faith in dating. I have a date with Jeff tonight so let me just concentrate on that. Enjoy life and make love with everyone. I should feel accomplished actually. I made two discoveries today that might change my project drastically, and in a great way. Who knows what doors this could open for my project. And I have several potential guys now: Migi, Jeff B., Jeff, Andrey, Ron, Keaton, Brian, and Jake. I am okay.

Fluorescent Adolescent

I must be slacking. 5 days since my last post. It would Jordan that would tip me over and make me want to post again though huh. After not seeing him for almost 3 weeks, I still really want to see him. I really want to hang out with him. Why am i think weak? I have no clue.
Nothing is as pretty as the past. I am holding to the most unhealthy obsession. I can't even let it go. I tried, but I am so weak. If I could, I would be drinking right now. God, I am listening to this song and it's the best description of me. How would the Arctic Monkeys know? That this is exactly the girl I have feared of becoming and have become. I am sad for me and the world today. Where did the old me go?

I am stuck at a crossroads of life. The guy I really liked has rejected me. All my exes are in serious relationships. My graduate project isn't going anywhere. I'm a gimp because of this stupid collar bone injury. I am damn near broke. I have no real friends here. My old friends have forgotten me. Everyone has moved on with their life and I am still stuck in the past. I am slowly falling into an abyss of depression. How far had we come from where we used to be Nat? And how did we get here?

We Used to be Friends

Perfect time for this song to come up. I am having a mad music crush on the Dandy Warhols lately. The title is ironic to me because I have been delving deeper and deeper into my depression. I found out that all 4 of my exes are in serious relationships now and me? No one, completely single and failing at being single. Actual I was failing when i was in a relationship too. Why do I feel like I need to be in a relationship to be happy. But what do I think when I am actually in one? Like the one I had with Shayan? How I could find someone better? Then I went too quickly with Jordan and then now I am getting antsy with Keaton? God I need to break out of my circle. Jason is so nice to me, but I know it'll never go anywhere so why am I dragging? Who knows. A long time ago, I used to have you as my boyfriend, but now I wish that I didnt think of you lately. Everyone needs time but I am always stuck in the past. I don't want to think of you lately but still I do.

Maybe what I should think of now is as all of them John, Greg, Shayan, Dave, Anthony, and even Jordan, just think of how and simply we used to be friends and now if ever again, a greeting I send to any of them,
Short and sweet is all I intend. Dave was right, i shouldn't have been friends with them on facebook, but that's okay, the bridge has been crossed. Now any interaction (except for shayan) is merely a hello. Time to move on, not just from one of them, but from all my past demons.  In a sense, I know I have moved on from Shayan, and it's a gut instinct inside where I know I'll never go back to them. The others not so quite so now I need to feed that mentality. As depressed as I am, I am strong. I will move on.

Natural Blues

I am severely depressed today. And as if fate would have it, the song that comes up is Natural Blues by Moby. It is by far the most perfect song that could have come up. I don't need to read the lyrics or anything. The song itself just has so much meaning for me, especially now. Finally after a week or so of posting, I finally got back the feeling I have when certain songs come up to me. I have troubles, a lot, not of faith in God, but in myself. I feel like I have lost myself. I lost myself in grad school, in friends, in relationships, in love and life. It's unhealthy for me to stay in touch with Jordan, but I can't pull myself away. I wake up each morning not wanting to start the day. i get to work and stare mindlessly at my screen hoping for the time to go home. I am stuck in a project that has no future. Everything is supposed to have a meaning right? A decision made has consequences right? God, am i that ungrateful? I lost my meaning. Thank God for this song to come up because it has seriously calmed me down, but what about after, what about tomorrow? How do I focus when I don't know where I am going?

Champagne Supernova

One of those songs that just comes on and you're like: this song people, this song. Oasis states that this song may possibly be about reincarnation. I hope that that is true because I do feel revived every time I hear this song. It is so much of a classic. It is epic. The guys of the band may be douches, but that doesn't mean they don't leave great songs.
What can i take from it? Right now I do feel like I'm stuck beneath a landslide with the situation with Jordan. I dream of having the chance to share with him instead of moving on. Why does he have so much of an effect on me? I thought I was a dreamer but when I wake up the dawn, I know she will have no answers for me. I am a very unhappy state of mind right now. i feel like I am fading into darkness. I feel like world is unreal and spinning. Is this the life without love? It hurts. I can't get him to love me and it hurts. Is this my champagne supernova, this explosion of darkness and no love.Where is the sun? Is it fading with the summer? As the music starts to fade... so does the sun set. We wake up to the dawn in the beginning, but all that is left at the end is the sound of a guitar strum.

I remember better days. i don't want this rejection. How do I get past this rejection? I am so unhealthy. pass me some champagne with a supernova in it. Maybe while i get high. Love me.